20 Things That Suck About Indiana Jones 4

Like every self-respecting geek, I went and saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull this past week, and while I had prepared myself for a disappointing outcome, I left the theater more confused and conflicted than anything else. It isn't bad, but at the same it isn't very good. It's Indiana Jones, but at the same time it isn't. That's not to say the movie doesn't do some things well, but every time the movie takes one step in the right direction, it takes two steps back. So what did the movie do wrong? See for yourself:

Just a quick note: There are obviously spoilers in this list, so if you haven't seen the film, consider yourself warned.

1. The gopher
I have to get this one out of the way first, because it's the first thing that will likely piss people off about the film. When the movie opened with a shot of a CG gopher, I actually heard someone in the theater say "God damn you George Lucas!" It wasn't Jar-Jar, but it was bad. It's a sign of how little faith I have in Lucas anymore when I almost expected the gopher to start dancing to Kenny Loggins music a la Caddyshack, marking my cue to exit and give up on the film altogether. Little did I know that the CG rodent was only the beginning of Indy 4's problems.

2. Horrible set pieces
None of the latest Indiana Jones movie was filmed overseas. Think about that for a moment. Production was done entirely within the United States, and it shows. Every indoor scene looks like a terribly lit sound stage, while copious green screen and CG alterations to backgrounds make it evident that the crew didn't have to do much traveling for this film.

3. Shameful use of Indy's dad
Why did they establish that Sean Connery's character is dead? It didn't add anything to the story at all, and just made it impossible for him to come back for a future film.

4. Shameful use of Marcus Brody
I get that the actor's dead. I'm fine with him not being back. But the gag with the statue and having the head fall in the goon's lap? It wasn't funny. It was just awkward, especially when you see Indy's reaction.

5. Waste of acting talent
Why were Cate Blanchett, John Hurt, and Jim Broadbent even in this movie? Cate could have been replaced by Winona Ryder and no one would have noticed. All of their characters were so poorly developed and one dimensional that the actors themselves looked bored to death.

6. Why is he practically never called 'Indiana'?
Maybe Indy dropped the nickname after The Last Crusade told us that he was named after the dog, but I got tired of always hearing him referred to as 'Henry' or 'Jonesy.' I think Marion might have yelled "INDYYYYYY" once just for old time's sake. His name is Indiana. Get it right.

7. The movie beats you over the head with nostalgia
We get it. It's a new Indiana Jones film. Guess what? Shots of the Ark of the Covenant and the snake gag don't make it a great Indy film, and neither do the Wilhelm scream or the reused musical cuts from the earlier movies. None of the previous Indy movies had to lean on their predecessors by beating you over the head with "HEY REMEMBER THIS?!" - Why should this one? Nostalgia can only go so far to make a film good, and that's only if done properly.

8. Sword fighting on jeeps
Lightsaber fighting while surfing on lava all over again. What the hell, George?

9. Gophers, again
We certainly didn't need the first shot, so why did they feel the need to show the gophers again, this time comically watching Indy on his rocket sled.

10. Russians with a rocket sled of their own?
How do the Russians immediately catch up to Indy's rocket sled that shoots across the desert at 500 MPH? Are their jeeps packing rocket engines too?

11. Area 51 is guarded by the US Army Reserve
Seriously, why are there about 6 guys guarding a base that holds all of America's darkest secrets and precious artifacts? The nuclear testing BS doesn't fly.

12. Ox sucks
Replace him with a tablet explaining where to go and you're set. He adds nothing to the story, save for plot holes. I don't really know what else to say, other than he was completely worthless.

13. Mac sucks
What a wasted character. You could see the double-cross coming from a mile away, then he comes back as a good guy, before a triple-cross and then a quick resignation to death. Of course they take the easy way out and write off his villainy to an obsession over riches. How dramatic. He was like Benny from The Mummy but less entertaining.

14. Marion sucks
This falls under the "beating you over the head with nostalgia" gripe, but was there really any need for Marion to be in this movie? She's only there in the second half , and doesn't even do anything noteworthy until the wedding scene at the end.

15. Indy's translation skills are amazing
We get that he's smart, but performing a translation in about 10 seconds of a language that by Indy's admission hasn't been used for thousands of years? That's stretching it.

16. Indiana Jones and the Movie for Dull-witted Audiences
Speaking of Indy being intelligent, does he really need to spend the entire movie beating the audience over the head with the plot? Either Spielberg has forgotten the art of subtlety, or he figures the majority of people that will see this movie are morons. Indy's constantly having to explain shit, and just in case you hadn't figured out by the end that the aliens were the ancient gods, Indy's going to hold the skull up to a wall painting for about 20 seconds. Did you figure it out yet?!

17. Aliens
Well I brought them up, so I might as well finish it. I don't have a problem with the aliens plot itself. It's no more far-fetched than a box containing the power of God that can melt faces, or a cup that grants everlasting life. I have a problem with how it was handled. Again the film's lack of subtlety is a principal undoing. There's no reason to show the big space ship and the alien. Show one, but don't show both. It wasn't necessary and only seemed to be there to fill out the film's CG budget.

18. Russians can't make up their damn minds
First they capture Indy and need to use him, then he escapes and they try to kill him. Then they capture him and need to use him again, followed by an inevitable escape and the Russians trying to kill him. Again. Repeat ad nauseum.

19. Tarzan, King of the Greasers
Mutt becomes a vine-swinging master, while at the same time able to command monkeys to attack evil communists. What the hell?

20. Surviving a nuke inside of a fridge
Thank goodness for that establishing shot of the "lead lined" sticker, because otherwise I never would have believed someone could survive a nuclear blast in a refrigerator. Hey Spielberg, there's a reason that idea was taken out of the original version of Back to the Future: it sucks ass. Don't you remember? Also, since when did metal enclosures stop the laws of physics? Shouldn't Indy be a glob of goo inside of the fridge after flying so far? See: Iron Man.
How about yourself? Did you nitpick the film to death or were you able to look past its flaws and enjoy it? Am I an asshole for tearing the movie apart? Tell us your thoughts in the comment section. (Source: InfoAddict Original)

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